[Act III]
So I made another drink and sat down at the devil’s desk to write an essay “from my soul” about what my personal hell should be.
Naturally, before I could write it, I had to think it.
That proved kinda difficult, distracted as I was by my recent smoldering death and wondering whose bones made up the desk where I was sitting.
[Looks around]
Which skull was Hitler’s, I wondered?
Was that Jack the Ripper?
Where was Walt Disney?
[Pause for laughter?]
I sipped my drink and had another cigarette, awaiting inspiration… but as happens sometimes it never arrived… so I left the writing materials on the desk and got up to pace the room.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think better on my feet.
[Dreamily]
As I paced I began to dream of a heavenly hell… a Hades-of-a-Thousand-Delights where all the wonderful sins and vices bathed me in a beautiful blue flame of exquisite pleasure…
[Soberly]
I didn’t notice behind me as the pencil stood up and began writing upon the paper… unassisted.
[Act IV]
“Eeeewww, what smells?” said a beautiful brunette who appeared from nowhere.
“That’s the sulphur,” I said, suddenly realizing.
When I first arrived I’d smelled it, too, but now I hardly noticed it.
[To Audience]
It’s funny what you can get used to, isn’t it?
[slight Pause]
She was gorgeous, so I smiled and added smoothly, “Haven’t we met before, someplace?”
“In your dreams, perhaps?” she teased.
She was being very seductive.
Then it struck me.
She was Lust.
[Pause]
Funny, but Lust looked exactly like I figured she would…
And it was nothing like Leonardo DiCaprio!
[Pause]
“I’m lonely, Rusty,” she purred as she stepped closer. “Will you be my friend in this strange, smelly place?”
“Yes,” I whispered and reached out… “I’ll smell your friendly place…”
[Pause for laughter?]
We embraced passionately… and that’s when I noticed…
Where usually there would be a pleasurable sensation of growing manly hardness…
[Slight pause]
Now was nothing…
[Surprised]
My penis was gone!
I reached into my pants and felt around…
[Pause]
… It was as smooth as a Ken doll down there!
[Act V]
Then to make matters worse while I was groping around searching for my manhood the beautiful brunette turned into my ex-wife!
Not the nice ex-wife either, but the nasty one I battled with all the time.
[Pause, then slowly]
Behind her stood the devil, smiling, watching…
[Pause, then hotly]
“So!” shrieked my ex. “In hell five minutes and you’re already boozing around and chasing women!”
I tried to speak but was unable, as if my voice box were paralyzed… or gone to hell with my frank and beans!
[Pause]
“You’ve been drinking again!” she hissed. “Don’t bother to deny it!”
The drink I held vanished from my hand…
“And smoking!” she spat. “I can smell it on your breath!”
Poof! Up in smoke went the smoke I smoked!
[Reflective]
Hmmmm, I thought…
No smoking… no drinking… no genitals…
I was beginning to get a little worried!
[Hotly]
“I told Lucifer all about you!” shrieked my ex-wife, gesturing behind her where the devil stood smiling.
“I said that bum Rusty Pliers cannot resist a pretty girl or a shot of booze and all he ever thinks about is his stupid penis!”
[Cooly]
There must be some mistake, I thought as she kept shrieking and shrieking.
This wasn’t the hell I’d imagined!
I looked around for the devil, hoping for some explanation… but he was nowhere to be seen.
Then I noticed the paper on the desk.
It seemed to glow and beckon…
I reached out and picked it up.
This is what it read…
[Pause]
“Dear Rusty,
Aloha!
I hope a few centuries of spiritual torment at the hands of your ex-wife will help you to Unfuck Yourself a little bit.
Heaven knows, Rusty, you need it.
In the meantime, I’ll be on vacation in Hawaii, where I have a condo overlooking a volcano.
I like to throw virgins in there.
When I can find one.
Ha! Ha! That was a joke to ease your pain.
Which I hope is enormous.
Good luck in hell!
Your pal,
Lucifer
[Pause]
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!
[Applause?]
If you enjoyed my story please look for
me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.
If you didn’t enjoy my story…
[Pause]
…then I don’t suppose you’ll bother.
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!
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