Showing posts with label devil. Show all posts
Showing posts with label devil. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Me and Moby Dick (Part 4)


I got to my feet and began lurching along as fast as I could, away from the elevator and toward the bright sunlight of Irving Place, a dozen or so paces away.
“Come on, Flasher!” I said to myself. “You can make it!” 
But my foot must have been more hurt than I realized, because just as I was about to reach the exit and safety, I stumbled again and fell with a thud to the floor of the lobby. 
Turning to look behind me, I gasped in terror as the dogs bounded down the last steps of the staircase and hit the shiny lobby floor.
Moby Dick was leading the way.
He stopped, and the pack behind him stopped. He looked around slowly, searching with his little black eyes. I lay still, and held my breath. He seemed to look right at me, but did nothing. His pure white body glowed in the relative darkness of the lobby. Then, looking around, he caught sight of my discarded jacket, and scampered down the hallway, stopping with his little nose inches from the jacket, sniffing and smelling. 
As I and the silent pack watched, Moby Dick walked all around the jacket, sniffing at its circumference. 
He was thinking. Remembering. Scheming.
Then he raised his head and began to howl! It was a wild sound that seemed impossible from so small a thing. Spittle flew from his upturned muzzle and his white coat shook with exertion. His button eyes bulged beneath his bangs as he howled and howled.
Now the pack rushed at the jacket and pounced, tearing and ripping in horrible violence as Moby Dick continued to howl his evil song of vengeance and death.
Suddenly from behind I felt strong hands under my arms and I was lifted to my feet! I turned to face Javier, who had returned to help when he discovered I was not behind him, running for our lives on Irving Place. 
“Rapido!” he cried. His panicky eyes darted from me to the dogs. “Rapido!” he hissed again, tugging at me.
“Madre de Madres!” I answered. “I’m with you, mate!”
Javier started running. All I could do was hop, my foot being hurt, and I had difficulty keeping up. I called out but Javier didn’t hear me. He kept running towards Fourteenth Street. At the intersection, he turned the corner and was gone!
He turned in the opposite direction, I noticed, from Empire Messenger Service.
A few paces along Irving Place, I stopped and collapsed onto a public bench. My foot ached and I was exhausted. My shaking hands vainly searched for a cigarette, until I remembered smokes and lighter were in my discarded jacket. My fallen comrade jacket, torn to shreds in the lobby of a midtown apartment building by a snarling pack of vicious lapdogs.
Lapdogs led by a devil. 
With a sigh I dropped my head into my hands and stared down at the pavement. I was tired, and a little dizzy. I must have looked a sight, too. My jacket was gone, my pants were torn and dirty, my foot was a soggy, reddish mess.
Then a little dog trotted into my field of vision. It stopped and sat down, looking up at me.
“Bloody hell!” I screamed, forgetting where I was and thinking I was back in the lobby. “Get it away from me! Argh!”
“Control yourself, young man!” barked a feminine voice. 
“Huh? What?” I said, looking up. There stood a large, matronly woman, staring down at me. She glared at me in a haughty fashion, obviously disgusted by the sight of another bum or drug addict on her neighborhood bench. She wore an expensive fur coat. In her bejeweled hand was a leash, on the other end of which was her tiny pet, a black and gold Silky Terrier, also bejeweled. It was he who had trotted into my field of vision and sat down to stare at me. I’d mistaken him for a member of Moby Dick’s gang.
“Drug addict scum,” snarled the woman. Her eyes glinted with animosity and behind that, deeper but perceptible, glowed a kind of sadistic delight. One could see she believed that whatever misfortune was heaped upon you in life, it was your own damn fault and you were getting what you deserved!
A pitiless creature. Even to herself, probably.
“Come, Petronius,” she commanded in her haughty tone. She gave a little tug on the leash. 
Ah, but Petronius, who had his pride too, was loath to leave, and stubbornly sat where he was. 
“Petronius!” she repeated louder. “Come!” 
With a second good tug that brought a cry of surprise from pop-eyed Petronius, she turned and they were on their way, looking more like a grizzly bear leading a rat on a string than a well-heeled dowager with her tiny dog in tow.   
I laughed in disgust. I was angry. Angry at the dowager who’d mistaken me for a drug addict. Angry at Mrs Harp and Moby Dick and the dogs of apartment 2C who’d tried to kill me. Angry at Javier for slamming the door on my foot. Angry at the boss who’d sent me to Irving Place. Angry at New York City where I couldn’t get a break in animation. 
Angry at myself for trying to catch my dreams. 
Then I started laughing. 
Aw, what’s the use, I thought, in being angry? It wasn’t anyone’s fault that things sometimes go wrong. So what if a few crazy dogs had tried to eat me? I’d lived through it, hadn’t I? This was New York City, after all, and you had to expect a few ups and downs now and then. 
That’s life!
Have a beer and get over it.
After resting a few minutes, I hobbled to the station and caught the subway home.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

My Uneasy Relationship With The Gods (Part Two)


After that, my dad took up 
Drinking pretty seriously.
Which was a surprise because
Until then, I’d never seen him touch a drop.

But he took to it like a fish to water,
If you’ll pardon the expression,
And it changed him 
Into a different person.

One who wasn’t so nice.

Sometimes, getting home drunk,
He’d rage about the house
And scream terrible threats at me for being
The rotten little scumbag sumbitch etc

Who drove my mother 
To an early death,
And robbed him, HIM!!!
Of his only happiness!

Then he’d curse up a storm
And stagger around the house breaking things.
That’s when I’d lock myself in my room
And wait for Dad to pass out.

Don’t worry. 
He passed out every time.

Funny, even though I was just a kid,
I didn’t really believe my Dad
When he said those things.
I knew it wasn’t him talking.

It was his pain speaking.

But the problem was
My Dad believed it 
When, in his drunken rages,
He called me a scumbag sumbitch etc

Who was entirely to blame 
For my mother’s death,
Robbing him, him, etc, etc.
So sometimes he really scared me.

Then it happened again.
My dad came home 
Drunk and storming!
I woke up afraid and locked my bedroom door,

But he must have gone crazy!
He broke down the door
And walloped me good a few times. 
I hurt my arm when he threw me

To the floor… and I passed out.
The neighbors must have called the cops
Because the cops got there 
About the same time as the ambulance men.

This time the ambulance men 
Took my dad away,
Straightjacketed and lashed
 To a chrome-plated gurney.

He was crying hysterically
And pleading to be set free
As they rolled him 
Toward the ambulance.

“Son! Son!” he called.
“I’m sorry!
Say you’ll forgive me, 
Please!”

I forgive you, father.
With all my heart.

Do you find it funny,
Ye gods above or below?
Did it give you a moment’s amusement,
You pitiless self-satisfied cannibal bastards,

To turn a gentle, kindly man 
Into a raging beast?

Fuck You!

After the ambulance men
Looked at my arm and my bruises
And said I’d be okay,
I went home with one of the cops.

I heard him say to another cop,
“Aw hell! The kid’s got nowhere to go.
I’ll take him home tonight
And see he gets to court tomorrow.”

“Okay, Joe,” said the other cop.
“God, how I hate these domestic calls.
Well, see you tomorrow.”
"Goodnight, sir,” answered Joe.

On the way to Joe’s house we stopped
At an all-night 7-Eleven 
And he bought me a new T-shirt.
Then we went for a burger and fries.

Boy! Was I hungry!
Joe ordered me a second cheeseburger
And when I said don’t forget the fries
He laughed and asked me where I put it all!

Joe was a nice cop,
With kind eyes 
And a ready smile.

His wife was nice too.
She cleaned me up 
And tucked me in,
Just like a real mother would.

They didn’t have any children
Of their own yet, she explained.
“We’ve been trying to have a baby…
But none has come along.”

She smiled sadly and added,
“It must be god’s will.”

Then she kissed my forehead 
And reminded me 
To say my prayers
Before I went to sleep.

“Okay,” I promised.
And I tried to pray, really I did,
But I couldn’t think of 
Anything to say to god.

A god who stole a wife and mother,
Sent drink to take a father,
Cruelly denied children
To a loving couple,

And laughed 
At the torment 
Of a little boy?

Pray to you?
Do you hear me,
 Ye gods above or below?
You pitiless self-satisfied cannibal bastards!

This is Rusty Pliers speaking!

Fuck You! 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Re-Run; "The Devil & Rusty Pliers"

Hello friends.
While Rusty’s on Summer Break,
We present a repost 
Of our most popular pieces.

Which believe me 
Weren’t too damn popular 
In the first place.

But here it is!
One of Rusty’s scripts
From a live reading.

If you call Rusty Pliers live.
Complete with stage directions
And down to the last word.

Proving perhaps he isn’t 
Such a lazy no-good one-eyed drunken bastard 
As he’s made out to be.
Maybe.

Please enjoy. 
And have a safe summer!
Hugs from Rusty Pliers.


[Adjusts mic, speaks to audience]
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers.
[Reads from script]
Uh. Gee, I hope I can read this.
I spilled some salsa and guacamole on it while I was rehearsing this afternoon…
[Lift patch and look?]
Spilled a margarita on it, too… somewhere…
[Lower patch]
Then they asked me to put on my pants
and leave the aquarium!
[Pause]
So I didn’t get a lot of rehearsing done.
[Long Pause]
I hope you enjoy it.
[Relax… Deep breath… Be Rusty]
Tonight’s story is entitled… 

“The Devil…
and Rusty Pliers”
[Prologue]
“How about proposing a toast, Rusty?” asked our host.
“Sure,” I answered. “I’d be delighted.” 
I stood and raised my glass. 
May you be in heaven,” I said, winking at the hostess, half an hour before the devil knows you’re dead!
The dinner guests tittered at my remark. 
A remark I’d learned in Ireland, by the way, where they’ve had a preoccupation with the devil for centuries.
They asked me to propose another toast and we tittered a little over that one too.
Then another toast.
And another
[Pause]
Anyway, after the party I was heading home on my Ducati 900 motorcycle when instead of going around this corner like I usually do… I went straight ahead… flying through the air like Evel Knievel … 
Until I smashed into a bridge abutment and was killed instantly

[Act I]
I awoke in hell standing before the devil.
He was seated behind an ornate desk made from human bones. 
Hello, Rusty,” he said agreeably. “Welcome to hell.”
[Reflective, to audience]
Funny, but he didn’t look anything like I expected he would. He looked kinda like Leonardo DiCaprio.
[Pause]
Not the hairy revenant Leonardo…
… but the well-dressed Leonardo from the golden globes.
[Pause]
“Smoke?” he asked, gesturing to a cigarette box.
Am I?” I answered looking around to pat myself out where I might still be burning from my crash and fall into hell.
Otherwise, for a dead guy, I didn’t feel too bad.
“I mean tobacco,” said the devil with a smile.  
Sure,” I said, taking one. “Can’t hurt me now, can it?”
Hell… no!” he agreed with a laugh. He had nice teeth, proving what I’ve long suspected… that hell is full of dentists.
How about a drink to go with your smoke?” he asked and like magic a gin and tonic appeared in my hand.
“Yes please!” I answered and thought to myself that maybe hell wasn’t going to be too bad, after all.
Excuse me for asking,” I said, sipping my drink. “I’ve made that corner a thousand times. Why not tonight?”
“It’s just like they told you in Sunday school, Rusty,” he answered. “Everyone’s days are numbered… 
[Sinisterly]
And everyone will be judged.
[Pause]
“I don’t remember Sunday school too well,” I said, meaning I didn’t remember ever going to Sunday school… but I didn’t mention that.
The devil just looked at me and smiled.
Enjoying your smoke?” he asked.
Yes,” I answered. “It’s been awhile. I quit in 2010.”
I know,” he said. “And what for? You died in a motorcycle crash! Hahaha!”
“Yeah,” I answered a little peevishly. “Funny.”
C’mon, Rusty!” laughed the devil. “You’ve been on the highway to hell since you were twelve-years-old! I always figured you for a guy who could take a joke.
He laughed again and in spite of myself I began to laugh a little, too. 
After all, what does it matter how we die?
It’s how we live that counts!

[Act II]
“Well,” I asked. “Now what?”
“You choose your hell,” he answered.
“Choose my own hell?”
Yes,” said the devil proudly. “Your own personal hell. One of hell’s finest achievements. Cuts down on complaints and saves a buttload of red tape.”
Careful what you wish for, eh?” I said.
Exactly!” answered the devil. “Or as we like to say around here… Hakuna Matata!”
[Aside]
You have to say this for the devil, I thought, he really seemed to enjoy his work. 
[Pause]
“Here,” he said, indicating a blank sheet of paper before him on the desk. “Sit down and write me a 500 word essay on what your hell should be.”
“Awww!” I whined. “An essay?”
“Better get started,” he advised. “You’ve only got an hour. There’s some liquor in the cabinet. Help yourself.”
“Thanks,” I said. “Will my spelling …?”
[Harshly]
“Don’t worry about the damned spelling, Rusty!
[Softer]
Write something from your heart…" 
[Softer still]
… or better yet… from your soul.”
[Slight pause]
“My soul?” I asked.
From the soul of Rusty Pliers! he laughed. 
No cheating!” he added and whoosh! 
He was gone.

[Act III]
So I made another drink and sat down at the devil’s desk to write an essay “from my soul” about what my personal hell should be. 
Naturally, before I could write it, I had to think it
That proved kinda difficult, distracted as I was by my recent smoldering death and wondering whose bones made up the desk where I was sitting.
[Looks around]
Which skull was Hitler’s, I wondered? 
Was that Jack the Ripper
Where was Walt Disney?
[Pause for laughter?]
I sipped my drink and had another cigarette, awaiting inspiration… but as happens sometimes it never arrived… so I left the writing materials on the desk and got up to pace the room.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think better on my feet.
[Dreamily]
As I paced I began to dream of a heavenly hell… a Hades-of-a-Thousand-Delights where all the wonderful sins and vices bathed me in a beautiful blue flame of exquisite pleasure…
[Soberly]
I didn’t notice behind me as the pencil stood up and began writing upon the paper… unassisted. 

[Act IV]
Eeeewww, what smells?” said a beautiful brunette who appeared from nowhere
“That’s the sulphur,” I said, suddenly realizing. 
When I first arrived I’d smelled it, too, but now I hardly noticed it. 
[To Audience]
It’s funny what you can get used to, isn’t it?
[slight Pause]
She was gorgeous, so I smiled and added smoothly, “Haven’t we met before, someplace?
“In your dreams, perhaps?” she teased.
She was being very seductive.
Then it struck me. 
She was Lust.
[Pause]
Funny, but Lust looked exactly like I figured she would…
And it was nothing like Leonardo DiCaprio!
[Pause]
“I’m lonely, Rusty,” she purred as she stepped closer. “Will you be my friend in this strange, smelly place?” 
Yes,” I whispered and reached out… I’ll smell your friendly place
[Pause for laughter?]
We embraced passionately… and that’s when I noticed…
Where usually there would be a pleasurable sensation of growing manly hardness… 
[Slight pause]
Now was nothing
[Surprised]
My penis was gone!
I reached into my pants and felt around…
[Pause]
… It was as smooth as a Ken doll down there!

[Act V]
Then to make matters worse while I was groping around searching for my manhood the beautiful brunette turned into my ex-wife!
Not the nice ex-wife either, but the nasty one I battled with all the time.
[Pause, then slowly]
Behind her stood the devil, smiling, watching… 
[Pause, then hotly]
So!” shrieked my ex. “In hell five minutes and you’re already boozing around and chasing women!” 
I tried to speak but was unable, as if my voice box were paralyzed… or gone to hell with my frank and beans!
[Pause]
“You’ve been drinking again!” she hissed. “Don’t bother to deny it!” 
The drink I held vanished from my hand… 
“And smoking!” she spat. “I can smell it on your breath!”
Poof! Up in smoke went the smoke I smoked!
[Reflective]
Hmmmm, I thought…
No smoking… no drinking… no genitals
I was beginning to get a little worried!
[Hotly]
I told Lucifer all about you!” shrieked my ex-wife, gesturing behind her where the devil stood smiling
“I said that bum Rusty Pliers cannot resist a pretty girl or a shot of booze and all he ever thinks about is his stupid penis!”
[Cooly]
There must be some mistake, I thought as she kept shrieking and shrieking.
This wasn’t the hell I’d imagined!
I looked around for the devil, hoping for some explanation… but he was nowhere to be seen
Then I noticed the paper on the desk. 
It seemed to glow and beckon
I reached out and picked it up.
This is what it read…
[Pause]
Dear Rusty,
Aloha
I hope a few centuries of spiritual torment at the hands of your ex-wife will help you to Unfuck Yourself a little bit.
Heaven knows, Rusty, you need it.
In the meantime, I’ll be on vacation in Hawaii, where I have a condo overlooking a volcano.
I like to throw virgins in there.
When I can find one.
Ha! Ha! That was a joke to ease your pain.
Which I hope is enormous.
Good luck in hell!
Your pal,
Lucifer
[Pause]
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!
[Applause?]
If you enjoyed my story please look for
me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.
If you didn’t enjoy my story… 
[Pause]
…then I don’t suppose you’ll bother.
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!