Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Critics Are Raving About Hold the Beetroot!

Critics Are Raving 
Hold The Beetroot!

Yes, the reviews are in! 
Destined to be a children’s classic, a colossal bestseller, blockbuster motion picture and pirated download… 

Rusty Pliers 

Here are just a few of the ravings from the minds of friends, family and lawyers about HOLD THE BEETROOT;

“It’s my son’s finest work,” said the author’s father. 
“It’s also his first, and am I proud!”

“I almost laughed out loud!” mimed Marcel Marceau.
“Really, I’m asking,” said his father again. “Am I supposed to be proud of this stuff? Half of it never even happened! What a liar! He doesn’t get it from my side of the family!”

“Reminiscent and imitative of Groucho Marx, only grouchier and not as funny!” claimed the lawyers of Groucho Marx’s estate. 

“We thought the same thing!” agreed the Samuel Clemens estate lawyers. “Only nowhere near as funny!

“We also thought the same thing!” said the Harpo Marx lawyers. “But we didn’t want to say anything.”

“We also also thought-a the same thing!” said the lawyers of Chico Marx’s estate.

“It’s almost funny in places, sometimes,” counterclaimed the author’s overworked lawyer. “I dare you to stay awake through it long enough to locate the plagiarisms! And that’s good enough, under the law!”

“Yeah? Under the law, eh? We wish he were under something… like the wheels of a truck!” counter-counterclaimed the lawyers from every Marx Brother’s estate.

“We won’t dignify this crap with the courtesy of a response!” said the heirs of Robert Benchley. “You’ll hear from our lawyers!”

“How come you didn’t plagiarize me?” wondered David Sedaris. “I’m every bit as funny as any Marx brother you can name. Except maybe Zippo! And I’m still alive!”

“You have to say this for HOLD THE BEETROOT, there’s nothing else like it in the marketplace today!” promised the author’s publisher. “And it’s strong on subtle, effective product placement!”

“Reading it made my eyes hurt,” effused the author’s ophthalmologist.

“It made me wish I were dead,” sighed Doctor Kevorkian. “Or Mr Pliers was!”

“It’s long, isn’t it?” queried the author’s brother, when asked to read it.

“It’s a daring concept for a humorist! Over 350 pages long, and only fourteen of them are funny!” said the author’s best friend, who declined to be named.

“I thought it was the funniest book I’ve ever read,” claimed the author’s wife. “At least the few pages I read were! Of course, I’m not much of a reader. I prefer yoga.”

“Tell us more about this Yoga fellow,” demanded Groucho’s lawyers. “Or did Mr Pliers shoot him in his pajamas, too?”

“I love HOLD THE BEETROOT! It couldn’t be better!” gushed the author’s sister. “A true masterpiece! Now, where’s my fifty bucks?”

“I couldn’t put it down,” raved Miss Sherman, the author’s former sixth grade teacher. “It stuck to my fingers like wet shit to a blanket!”

“He passed the sixth grade?” wondered the author’s third wife. “I thought he was illiterate!”

“That’s not true!!” objected his father. “I was married to his mother!”

“I never said he passed the sixth grade!” corrected Miss Sherman.

“A thousand monkeys on a thousand computers couldn’t come up with stuff this good,” said the author’s editor. “We’re gonna need more monkeys.”

“Its only weakness is the beginning, the middle and the end,” uttered Joseph Conrad via the crystal ball of a Gypsy fortuneteller. “And you will meet a tall, dark stranger… or soon take a long sea voyage, one of those.”

   I could go on, but why bother? 
All the reviews are as good as these.

Thank you.

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