Showing posts with label vodka. Show all posts
Showing posts with label vodka. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Hungry Artist

NYC 1987
Hungry Artist

Alas, it was art for art’s sake once again, and we were broke.
I couldn’t find any work. I don’t know why I should be surprised, me being a film animator. 
I’d been looking for a job for weeks.
And getting nowhere.
Meanwhile, Suzie had found part-time work at a travel agency uptown. Owing to her temporarily doubtful immigration status, she didn’t earn very much, but the money she made kept us in pizza and beer, the two inexpensive staples of the struggling artist’s life.
It became a game; where to find cheap, edible food? 
Breakfast specials, at ungodly ‘Early Bird’ hours, could be had at any diner up and down Manhattan. Coffee, one egg, potatoes and toast, all for $1.29 and made to order by the sleepy cook. A meal like that could last you all day, and sometimes did. But you had to get there early.
It paid, I soon learned, to avoid the 99c and the 89c an especially the 59c breakfast. No matter how early the bird… from these breakfasts that’s all you got… the bird.
Thank god for pizza! Plain pizza was under a dollar a slice anywhere in New York, and they were big slices too. Rich and tasty, served piping hot. We watched the locals and followed their example, folding the slice lengthwise and eating from the pointy end, careful not to scald our chins with dripping hot cheese. 
In New Zealand, as with almost everything else pizza was pizza, recognizable as such like a telephone is a telephone or a motorcar is a motorcar, yet different from the American version. 
A pizza in New Zealand might, say, have baked beans as a topping.
And be served for breakfast. 
Yes, a kiwi loves his breakfast! And he likes baked beans, too. You’d be surprised where and on what a kiwi might put baked beans and call it breakfast.
I know I was.
But that was decades ago. Eventually one acclimatizes oneself to the cultural differences all around. 
 That, or go hungry. Yes? 
Another cheap Manhattan lunch option was a hot dog from one of the ubiquitous Sabrett street carts. A hot dog was a good change from pizza, at about the same price. The trick was to ask for your dog “all the way,” that is with every available topping, to increase the food value. 
“Over the top, please,” ordered Suzie and we laughed. She always got it wrong. 
“Me too!” I’d add. “With extra relish.” It’s a wonder we avoided incontinence, with all the pickle and sauerkraut in our diets. 
“Finish your hot dog,” I said to Suzie. “And we’ll get a drink. I found a place…”
It was probably all the beer we drank, counteracting its effects.
The incontinence I mean.
Pretzels, also served from carts, did not appeal to me after trying my first salty, doughy, tasteless, glop of a thing. Inexplicably, it was served with yellow mustard, adding not one iota to the deliciousness of it, which stubbornly remained at nought.
A New York City pretzel is more suited as a salt lick and rutting plaything for a moldy old stag than as food for a human being, but that’s just my opinion. 
If we had a little cash and wanted to eat out, we might stroll down to the Village and eat at one of the Indian curry houses on St. Marks or the Polish place a few blocks over. It was there, by the way, that we discovered Suzie could speak a smattering of Polish, if she had drunk enough potato Vodka. Or maybe it just sounded like Polish, after I had drunk enough potato vodka. 
“Zdrowie wasze w gardia nasze!” said Suzie and we’d drink.
(To your health and down our throats!)
Suzie was dazzling during these difficult days. She never complained or grumbled about our lack of everything, or the fact that we were sleeping on a mattress on the floor of a friend’s apartment, or that I hadn’t been able to find work yet and we had no money. 
“We’ve got our health and we’ve got each other,” said Suzie. “That’s the main thing.”
It’s no exaggeration to say that in New York some days we went hungry, yet Suzie faced it all with a laugh and a joke.
I loved her more than ever.

“Na zdrowie!" said Suzie and we drank.
(Your health!)

Friday, October 30, 2015

Product Placement

“Everybody loves romance on a tropical beach under swaying palm trees, don't they?” 
It was my publisher on the phone. 
“You like to travel,” she added. “You were in Hawaii for a month last year, remember?”
“Yeah,” I answered. “I like Hawaii. Who doesn’t?” 
“Exactly!” said my publisher. “Travel! Get it?”
She calls every week reminding me if I’m working to work harder and if I’m not working to get started. Then she reminds me that writing for her is the luckiest break I’ve ever had in my entire life.
Which is true to some extent. She’s a terrific publisher. Half my age but twice as smart.
“Huh?” I said.
(Which ain’t so hard to do, sometimes, be smarter than me.)
“Travel’d be perfect for you!” she went on. “Maybe that’s a subject your readers will enjoy… instead of your usual stuff about the animation business and how many cartoon rabbits you drew way back before computers were invented.” 
“Okay,” I answered, winching in silent pain at her accurate remarks. “Maybe a change will do me some good.”
“Right!” she agreed. “And would it kill you to work-in a little product placement this time? Travel offers us a chance to finally monetize this thing! Just think! Airlines, hotels, restaurants, automobiles. Vodka brands!”
I perked up.
“C’mon Rusty!” she said. “Vodka! Can’t you see the potential?!”
She’s very persuasive, my publisher. That’s probably one of the reasons she’s so successful. 
That, and her great white shark approach to life. With her as the shark, of course. I knew that whatever resistance I managed to put up today, I would be writing a travel blog tomorrow.
And trying to work-in something about General Motors or Apple Computers or Rolex wristwatches without looking like I’d sold out.
Because goddammit Bob Dylan! You wrote Mr. Tambourine Man, man! You gave us Blowin' in the Wind, and Foot of Pride and Mississippi and Sad Eyed Lady of the Lowlands. And a hundred others, you magnificent bastard! But you broke my heart in 2013 during Super Bowl halftime when you tried to sell me a stinking motorcar!
“You’re a writer, aren’t you?” my publisher reminded me. 
“Yeah,” I answered.
“Well, write!”  
It was that easy, according to her. You just sat down and wrote it.
Just like Bob sat down and wrote Mr. Tambourine Man, I suppose.
“Try it, will ya?” she pleaded. “Travel. For me? Just one.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll try.”
“Good! And don’t forget a Ferrari or something! Something cute!”
“Right. Sure. Bye!”
“In Paris maybe,” she added. “Or Bangkok. You know, somewhere nice.”
“Yeah. Well. We’ll see.” 
“In a ritzy hotel! With a casino and a spa and a big pool and …”
“Okay. Will do. Bye!”
“And for god’s sake, no swear words this time. Please?”
“You’re fucking kidding, right?” 
“Travel is a family thing, Rusty. C’mon.”
“How about if I travel to some fantastic brothel in the fucking Arabian Casbah and report on the fellatio, anal, and ménage à trois technique of the local harlots?” I answered. “Would that be family friendly enough for you?”
“Please Rusty!” she said. “No fellatio!”
“Women, men, AND camels!” I added for good measure.
“Not again!” she exclaimed. “Please!”
“Well. Okay then,” I said, being agreeable in my magnanimity. “As long as we’ve got that straight.”
“Yeah, okay,” she said. “No camels, please! Thanks.” 
I laughed to myself to hear the relief in her voice.
(I was relieved too, for on a personal level camels are beasts of things.)
“Talk to you Tuesday,” said my publisher. “Please work on the travel thing. And Rusty, no brothels. Okay?”
“Okay. No brothels. Cross my heart.”
She couldn’t see me not crossing my heart, so what did it matter?
“Well,” I said. “Talk to you later. I’ll send in my expenses. Bye!”
“Your what?”
“Yeah. Great. Shouldn’t be much. Ferrari or two. Gotta go. Bye!”
“Your expenses? We don’t pay …”
“Got a plane to catch!” I interrupted. “First class all the way! I’ll call you from the Ritz! Bye!” 
“Hey! Rusty! You can’t …”
I hung up and started looking for my passport.