Summer Re-Run; "Love's First Kiss"

Hello friends.

While Rusty’s on Summer Break,

We present a repost 

Of our most popular pieces.

Which believe me 

Weren’t too damn popular 

In the first place.

But here it is!

One of Rusty’s scripts

From a live reading.

If you can call Rusty Pliers live.

Complete with stage directions

And down to the last word.

Proving perhaps he isn’t 

Such a lazy no-good one-eyed drunken bastard 

As he’s made out to be.

Maybe.

Please enjoy. 

And have a safe summer!

“Love’s First Kiss” (v2)

[Prologue]

In 1967 (when I was 14 years old)… the flutist of the Olive Vista Junior High School orchestra was Stephanie Poznanski.

I was in the orchestra too, playing second trumpet.

[Matter-of-Factly]

It may surprise you to learn that the second trumpet in a large junior high school orchestra doesn’t play his instrument constantly during a song. No, there are many times (in classical pieces particularly) where you just sit and wait. 

[Slight pause]

It was then that I would look longingly at Stephanie Poznanski. 

She sat across from the brass section, down at the front with the woodwinds.

[Wistfully] 

Sigh… She was so beautiful! 

With long blonde hair and a smile that was pure sunshine. 

[Act I]

Stephanie lived on a ranch in the foothills of the San Fernando Valley… where on this day I was visiting her home for the first time. 

My mom dropped me off and said “Be a good boy, Rusty.”

But that’s okay… she always said that.

[Pause]

We had a nice time, Stephanie and me, upstairs in her bedroom listening to records and talking about school. She had a great sense of humor that made me laugh.

[Slight pause]

After some milk and cookies with her mom in the kitchen, Stephanie and I excused ourselves and went outside.

“C’mon,”  she said, taking my hand. “I’ll show you the horses!”

[Act II]

It was a warm afternoon. 

Dusty light beamed through the eucalyptus trees that lined the way. 

We strolled hand in hand beside an emerald pasture where prancing horses played in the sun. 

To my amazement, they trotted over at Stephanie’s call. 

“I thought only dogs could do that,” I said.

“Don’t be silly,” replied Stephanie. “Horses are way smarter than dogs.” 

Now maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t… I’ve met people in the fifty years since who’ve argued it both ways… but on that day in 1967 I didn't care one bit because I was smitten all over with Stephanie Poznanski.

[Slight Pause]

I had very different feelings for horses though. 

“I love horses,” said Stephanie, and I just nodded.

In fact I was kinda afraid of horses, but I tried to hide this from Stephanie because I wanted to make a good impression. I did what uncounted boys since the beginning of time have done when trying to impress a girl… I lied.

“I like horses too,” I said.

“Really?” answered Stephanie. “Barbara from History class said you said you hated horses. ‘Big, stupid, smelly things,’ she said you said.”

[To Audience]

That sounded like something I would say… 

[Insistent, then trailing off]

“Not me!” I said. “I love horses! They’re so…so big and strong… You know … uh, horsepower and stuff…”

[Slight Pause]

Stephanie laughed at my foolishness… as Eve must have laughed with Adam in the garden… and my young heart grew wings and flew away…

[Act III]  

Then Stephanie stepped closer to me. 

[Slight pause]

I looked into her eyes. They were so blue they were almost purple. Her long blonde hair played about her face in the warm California breeze. 

Some strands of it caught in her mouth, and 

With a laugh she reached up and hooked them away. 

[Slight Pause]

That’s when I asked if I could kiss her.

“Okay,” she said. “If you want to.” 

She closed her eyes and lifted her chin. Her lips parted slightly. I could see her little pink tongue behind her strong white teeth, waiting. 

“I want to!” I said.

I leaned forward and closed my eyes…

[Slight pause]

 … and our lips touched.

[Pause] 

“Love’s first kiss.”

[Long Pause] 

Ah friends… kissing Stephanie Poznanski was like kissing an angel!

[Pause] 

It was something else too, for as we kissed I began to feel a wonderful tingling sensation running up and down my body that eventually settled in my middle area.

[Looks down, then at audience]

Down in front.

[Act IV]

“Mmmm-mmmm,” I said as I wrapped my arms around Stephanie and pulled her closer…

At this Stephanie sighed…

… whether from boredom or from love I’ll never know… for her father caught us kissing and boy, did he give me a chewing out!

[Slight pause]

“Go to your room, young lady!” he ordered Stephanie.

“Stay right where you are, buster!” he ordered me.

Stephanie started crying and ran upstairs.

Then her dad gave me a piece of his mind, you might call it, about Stephanie and her chastity, while I thought of Stephanie crying in her bedroom where we’d been laughing just an hour before.

“Keep away from my daughter!” he said.

Then he phoned my mother.

[Act V]

“You’re too young to be kissing anybody that way,” said my mom, driving me home. 

“That comes later, honey, with love.”

[To audience]

Love! That was my mother’s cornball idea. 

I wanted romance and adventure! 

[Confidentially]

And let’s not forget the tingling sensation in my lower front, but I didn't mention that to my mom.

[Sincerely]

“We weren’t doing nothing wrong,” I said.

“You weren’t doing anything wrong,” corrected my mother.

“That’s what I said, mom! We weren’t doing anything wrong,” I repeated, hoping in my heart it wasn’t completely true.

[Epilogue]

Stephanie seemed to lose interest in me after that.

For which I mostly blame her father. 

Although for a while I tortured myself wondering if maybe I was a faulty kisser or something…

[Slight Pause]

As you can imagine Music class wasn’t as much fun anymore. All I could do was sigh and watch Stephanie from my place in the brass section, an impossible chasm yawning between us. 

Geez, I thought, it was just like Romeo and Julie …

“Rusty!” barked Mr Olinski. He was the music teacher. “Wake up! Please pay attention.”

“I wasn’t asleep, sir,” I objected.

“You were giving a pretty good imitation of it,” quipped Mr O.  

The class laughed. Everybody liked Mr Olinski. 

“Now, young man,” he commanded. “Give me an f sharp!”

[Wistfully]

Alas, my tootling lips went wanting for warm human contact that semester and I had to make do with the cold, indifferent mouthpiece of my St Louis Brand b flat King Cleveland student trumpet.

I gave Mr Olinski an f sharp.

[Pause] 

We moved to New Zealand at the end of the year and I never saw Stephanie again.

[Applause?]

Thank You!

You made it fun!

I’m Rusty Pliers!

Goodnight!

"Love's First Kiss"

Following on from last week's blog, I'd like to share another script.

Please enjoy.

[Pulls Up Barstool, Adjusts mic, etc.]

[Reads from script]

Thank You!

I’m Rusty Pliers.

You might remember…

I told the story about fellatio last time..

[Applause?]

Thank you.

I told that story from the heart.

[Pause]

Tonight’s story is also from the heart.

But has no fellatio.

Sorry.

[Clear throat.

Big breath.

Be Rusty …]

It’s called…

“Love’s First Kiss”

[Prologue]

In 1967 (when I was 14 years old)… the flutist of the Olive Vista Junior High School orchestra was Stephanie Poznanski.

I was in the orchestra too, playing second trumpet.

[Matter-of-Factly]

It may surprise you to learn that the second trumpet in a large junior high school orchestra doesn’t play his instrument constantly during a song. There are many times in classical pieces particularly where you just sit and wait. 

[Pause]

It was then that I would look longingly at Stephanie Poznanski. 

She sat across from the brass section, down at the front with the woodwinds.

[Wistfully] 

Sigh… She was so beautiful! 

With long blonde hair and a smile that was pure sunshine. 

[Act I]

Stephanie lived on a ranch in the foothills of the San Fernando Valley… where on this day I was visiting for the first time. 

My mom dropped me off and said be a good boy, Rusty.

But that’s okay… she always said that.

[Pause]

We had a nice time, Stephanie and me, listening to records and talking about school. She had a great sense of humor that made me laugh.

After some milk and cookies with her mom in the kitchen, Stephanie and I excused ourselves and went outside.

“C’mon,”  she said, taking my hand. “I’ll show you the horses!”

We’d never held hands before. 

[Act II]

It was a warm afternoon. Dusty light beamed through the eucalyptus trees that lined the way. We strolled hand in hand beside an emerald pasture where prancing horses played in the sun. 

To my amazement, they trotted over at Stephanie’s call. 

“I thought only dogs could do that,” I said.

“Don’t be silly,” replied Stephanie. “Horses are way smarter than dogs.” 

Now maybe that’s true and maybe it isn’t… I’ve met people in the fifty years since who’ve argued it both ways… but I didn't care one bit because I was smitten all over with Stephanie Poznanski.

[Slight Pause]

I had very different feelings for horses though. 

In fact I was afraid of horses, but I tried to hide this from Stephanie.

I wanted to make a good impression.

“I like horses too,” I lied.

“Really?” answered Stephanie. “Barbara from History class said you said you hated horses. ‘Big, stupid, smelly things,’ she said you said.”

[Aside]

That sounded like something I would say… 

[Full Voice, Trailing Off]

“Not me!” I insisted. “I love horses! They’re so…so big and strong. You know … uh, horsepower and stuff…”

[Slight Pause]

Stephanie laughed at my foolishness… as Eve must have laughed with Adam in the garden… and my young heart grew wings and flew away…

[Act III]  

Then Stephanie stepped closer to me. 

[Pause]

Her blonde hair played about her face in the warm California breezes. 

Some strands of it caught in her mouth. 

With a laugh she reached up and hooked them away. 

[Slight Pause]

That’s when I asked if I could kiss her.

“Okay,” she said. “If you want to.” 

She closed her eyes and lifted her chin. Her lips parted slightly. I could see her little tongue behind her teeth, waiting. 

“I want to!” I said.

Leaning forward I closed my eyes…

 … and our lips touched.

[Pause] 

“Love’s first kiss.”

[Long Pause] 

Ah friends… kissing Stephanie Poznanski was like kissing an angel!

[Pause] 

It was something else too, for as we kissed I began to feel a strange tingling sensation running up and down my body that eventually settled in my middle area.

Towards the front.

“Mmmm-mmmm,” I said as I wrapped my arms around Stephanie and pulled her closer…

[Act IV]

At this Stephanie sighed…

… whether from boredom or love I’ll never know… for her father caught us kissing and boy, did he give me a chewing out!

“Go to your room, young lady!” he ordered Stephanie.

“Stay right where you are, buster!” he ordered me.

He gave me a piece of his mind, you might call it, about Stephanie and her chastity.

Then he phoned my mother.

[Act V]

“You’re too young to be kissing anybody that way,” said my mom, driving me home. “That comes later, honey, with love.”

Love! That was my mother’s cornball idea. 

I wanted romance and adventure! 

[Pause]

And let’s not forget the tingling sensation in my lower front, but I didn't mention that to my mom.

“We weren’t doing anything wrong,” I said, hoping in my heart it wasn’t completely true.

[Epilogue]

Stephanie seemed to lose interest in me after that.

For which I mostly blame her father. 

Although for awhile I tortured myself wondering if maybe I was a faulty kisser or something…

[Slight Pause]

As you can imagine Music class wasn’t as much fun anymore. All I could do was sigh and watch Stephanie from my place in the brass section, an impossible chasm yawning between us. 

Geez, I thought, it was just like Romeo and Julie …

“Rusty!” barked Mr Olinski. He was the music teacher. “Wake up! Please pay attention.”

“I wasn’t asleep, sir,” I objected.

“You were giving a pretty good imitation of it,” quipped Mr O.  

The class laughed. Everybody liked Mr Olinski. 

“Now, young man,” he said to me. “Give me an f sharp!”

[Wistfully]

Alas, my tootling lips went wanting for warm human contact that semester and I had to make do with the cold, indifferent mouthpiece of my St Louie Brand b flat student trumpet.

I gave Mr Olinski an f sharp.

[Pause] 

We moved to New Zealand at the end of the year and I never saw Stephanie again.

[Applause?]

Thank You!

You made it fun!

I’m Rusty Pliers!

Goodnight!

Whiskey and Soda

Auckland, New Zealand, 1969

Ethne and I were staying at the Big I for our honeymoon. 

The Auckland Intercontinental Hotel, “The Big I” it was affectionately called, was a deluxe, modern hotel, with fantastic views of Albert Park’s green expanse and the bustling city center and out to the glorious Waitemata harbor, vast and blue, where stood giant Rangitoto, the extinct volcano that’s named after a god. 

On my honeymoon, as I was saying.

I was sixteen years old, my bride Ethne was seventeen.

We’d been married earlier that day in the presence of our parents and families at the Registry Office in downtown Auckland, and then had returned to the suburbs of Avondale for a simple reception at Ethne’s house.

The reception was a modest affair as befitted a workingman’s (Ethne’s) family, a family of recent immigrants (mine) to New Zealand, and the sudden and complete unexpectedness of the event itself. Yes, it really caught them all by surprise! You should have seen their faces on the night Ethne and I gathered the courage to tell them! I’d never seen my father so angry, ever, and Mick, Ethne’s dad, he hit the roof! 

Boy, could he curse!

Yes, our parents had been pretty pissed off to learn that Ethne was pregnant, that must be admitted, but now a week or so later they were making the best of it.

After the reception, my Dad and Mom drove us back downtown to the Intercontinental and helped us check-in. My father was paying as a wedding present. We parted awkwardly in the opulent lobby. My mother, crying, hugged Ethne, then me, while dad quietly wished us luck, no hugging, saying he’d be back at 10AM day after tomorrow to pick us up and take us home.

Goodbye we said and it was strange and a little sad to see them turn and go.

We were shown to our room. 

Eighth floor, number 807. 

We entered with curiosity, not knowing what to expect. After all, we hadn’t seen anything of the world yet. 807. This is where we would spend the first night of our lives together. Our new life. Never again would it be the same to sleep at home, surrounded by brothers and sisters and moms and dads. 

It was exhilarating and freeing to be alone with Ethne at last. We stood together at the window, looking out at the city and the harbor. It was very beautiful. I put my arm around Ethne and she leaned against me. We didn’t speak for a long time. Then we kissed. We kissed some more and fell onto the bed. 

It was the biggest bed either of us had ever seen. 

That night we had dinner in the hotel restaurant and then went to the Tasman Lounge Bar on the top floor for a romantic nightcap.

Neither of us had ever been in a bar before. 

We sat ourselves at a small table and the waiter came to take our order. A Pimms for Ethne and a whiskey and soda for me. I’d seen Ethne drink Pimms before at home, when her dad had a beer sometimes. I’d had a glass of beer with her dad too, but I’d never tasted whiskey before in my life. 

Probably not in a previous life either, knowing my family. 

I was embarrassed when, due to our obvious youth, we had to show our room key to the waiter to be served. But, that done, we sat back and enjoyed the atmosphere of the place and waited for our drinks.

So this was the big time, I thought, a snazzy hotel bar just like in the movies, all low lighting and soft music. Patrons sat at tables or at the bar itself. The walls were flocked in gold-and-red velvet, and the floors were padded with thick, ruby colored carpet. Large windows gave out to a wonderful view of Auckland’s million sparkling city lights. 

The patrons too, seemed flocked in gold and red in the warm, low lighting, chatting and sipping their drinks. The staff, carrying silver trays, wore spotless white shirts and little black bow-ties.

They also wore trousers, but I suppose you knew that already.

Across from me at our table, Ethne looked beautiful. She wore her dark hair piled up in a sophisticated style, with a simple V-necked black dress that accentuated her figure. A black plastic bracelet encircled her wrist. Nothing at her throat, just her smooth coffee-with-cream colored skin framed by the dress. A touch of red at her lips and fingernails. Small silver earrings studded her earlobes.

Dressed as she was, Ethne was a strikingly beautiful girl and in this sophisticated setting she radiated allure and sexuality.

I’m not sure what I was radiating. Pride, probably, being seen at the side of such a gorgeous creature. Other patrons, both men and women, stole looks at her from where they sat or as they passed. 

The drinks arrived, the waiter eying Ethne appreciatively as he set them upon the table.

Thank you we said and waited an eternity for him to leave.

We stared into each other’s eyes and raised our glasses.

“To us,” whispered Ethne, never lovelier.

“To us,” I answered, very much in love.

We sipped our drinks.

“Cough! Splurt! Hack!” I spluttered, caught unaware by the whiskey’s bite.

The whiskey burned my throat and I hacked for another minute. How was I to know it takes innards of steel to drink whiskey for the first time without distress? “I’m okay,” I lied to Ethne when I finally caught my breath, tears streaming from  my eyes as I fought for air. “I’m just… fine!”

I took it easier next time and it worked out a bit better.

We sipped our drinks and talked, the goddess across from me apparently unaware of the commotion she was causing. The warmth of the whiskey spread through me. Ethne leaned forward to select a potato crisp from the bowl on the table between us, and seeing me watching her she suggestively lifted her hand with the crisp to her luscious mouth, smiling lasciviously and at the same time secretly exposing more of her breasts to my view. 

They were heavier now, with the baby on the way. 

My gaze lifted from her cleavage to her eyes. Ethne’s large, liquid eyes stared directly back at me. Her eyes were laughing, like they always seemed to do, yet giving nothing away.

I smiled. 

Ethne smiled back. 

“What are you smiling at?” she asked gently. 

I loved Ethne madly. She was my first love. She had inherited, it seemed to me, the best from both of her parents. From her mother Olive came patience, love and a deep spiritualness that lent her incredible confidence and strength. From Mick she received intelligence, determination and humor.

She was also uniquely herself. A loving, gifted, friendly girl.

“You,” I answered truthfully.