Zen and the Pain of Being an Asshole

Zen and the Pain of Being an Asshole

I caught myself 

Being a big asshole

Earlier this week.

Oh boy! 

I hate it when I do that, don’t you?

Be an asshole, I mean.

I suppose we all do.

After all, nobody’s perfect.

It’s only human nature

To be somewhat of an asshole

Sometime, somewhere, in one’s life.

If one lives long enough,

And is shall we say lucky enough,

One may perhaps do or not do many things…

Worthy of possible regret.

What do you mean, Rusty? 

(I hear you wonder) 

Earlier this week!?

Haven’t you always been a big asshole?

Isn’t this a case, like it it is for many things, of

Once an asshole, always an asshole?

Yes, of course. But,

I wasn’t born an asshole.

I must’ve taken a wrong turn.

Back there, somewhere.

And in my defense I’d like to add 

That I’ve been left unsupervised

For extremely long periods in my life.

Probably very formative periods.

It’s happened before, I admit,

That I fall into assholedness,

And way too often too,

So I won’t argue about the always of it.

To some people

Being an asshole

Just comes easier 

Than it does to other people.

Some of us have a natural gift for it.

But always ain’t forever,

If you know what I mean.

So maybe there’s hope.

Yes, I’ve been selfish.

A real asshole.

Rude and short-tempered.

Thoughtless and angry. 

Afraid!

Deep down.

Inside my insides. 

A little man afraid.

(Because it’s our fears 

That make us mean,

Don’t you think?)

Yes, last week I caught myself being an asshole…

But by then the damage was done.

You know what they say;

Once an asshole, always an asshole.

(And if you don’t know what they say

Then where were you earlier?

I must have mentioned it three times by now.)

So there I was. An asshole… 

Always and forever 

As far as anyone else knew.

Even as far as I knew.

Because our actions define us, sometimes.

If we let them.

And acting like an asshole 

Makes you so, yes?

So there I was. An asshole.

To me, it was a moment of painful realization,

Again, of how

Poorly I’ve succeeded

In learning to practice a little human

Patience and loving kindness.

Oh, mother!

Sometimes I wonder if I have what it takes

To become a human being…

I keep failing time and again.

It’s not easy. 

I need help.

That’s the zen of it! 

So thank you,

Momentary lapse into assholedness from last week!

You’ve helped me see my actions

For what they were…

The fearful squeaking 

Of a cowardly old man.

Now, perhaps, with this unflattering 

Vision of myself before my eyes

I can live a better, freer life!

Growing in my zen-strength

To defeat the worser me!

To defeat myself with the very tools,

Oh irony,  

The very tools I lack the most;

Patience and loving kindness.

Ah Zen!

Your perfection terrifies me!

Until I remember your love.

Please grant me a little

God-like understanding to free me

From my imperfect self! 

To comprehend things as they truly are!

And live in a world I cannot control,

But must not fear.

To fly towards enlightenment unafraid

With zen at my immortal side

And love to guide the way!

Me and those that came before.

Now and forever.

Zen!