Tuesday, February 23, 2016

"The Devil and Rusty Pliers" Pt 2

[Act III]
So I made another drink and sat down at the devil’s desk to write an essay “from my soul” about what my personal hell should be. 
Naturally, before I could write it, I had to think it
That proved kinda difficult, distracted as I was by my recent smoldering death and wondering whose bones made up the desk where I was sitting.
[Looks around]
Which skull was Hitler’s, I wondered? 
Was that Jack the Ripper
Where was Walt Disney?
[Pause for laughter?]
sipped my drink and had another cigarette, awaiting inspiration… but as happens sometimes it never arrived… so I left the writing materials on the desk and got up to pace the room.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes I think better on my feet.
As I paced I began to dream of a heavenly hell… a Hades-of-a-Thousand-Delights where all the wonderful sins and vices bathed me in a beautiful blue flame of exquisite pleasure…
I didn’t notice behind me as the pencil stood up and began writing upon the paper… unassisted. 

[Act IV]
Eeeewww, what smells?” said a beautiful brunette who appeared from nowhere
“That’s the sulphur,” I said, suddenly realizing. 
When I first arrived I’d smelled it, too, but now I hardly noticed it. 
[To Audience]
It’s funny what you can get used to, isn’t it?
[slight Pause]
She was gorgeous, so I smiled and added smoothly, “Haven’t we met before, someplace?
“In your dreamsperhaps?” she teased.
She was being very seductive.
Then it struck me. 
She was Lust.
Funny, but Lust looked exactly like I figured she would…
And it was nothing like Leonardo DiCaprio!
“I’m lonely, Rusty,” she purred as she stepped closer. “Will you be my friend in this strange, smelly place?” 
Yes,” I whispered and reached out… I’ll smell your friendly place
[Pause for laughter?]
We embraced passionately… and that’s when I noticed…
Where usually there would be a pleasurable sensation of growing manly hardness… 
[Slight pause]
Now was nothing
My penis was gone!
I reached into my pants and felt around…
… It was as smooth as a Ken doll down there!

[Act V]
Then to make matters worse while I was groping around searching for my manhood the beautiful brunette turned into my ex-wife!
Not the nice ex-wife either, but the nasty one I battled with all the time.
[Pause, then slowly]
Behind her stood the devilsmilingwatching… 
[Pause, then hotly]
So!” shrieked my ex. “In hell five minutes and you’re already boozing around and chasing women!” 
I tried to speak but was unable, as if my voice box were paralyzed… or gone to hell with my frank and beans!
“You’ve been drinking again!” she hissed. “Don’t bother to deny it!” 
The drink I held vanished from my hand… 
“And smoking!” she spat. “I can smell it on your breath!”
PoofUp in smoke went the smoke I smoked!
Hmmmm, I thought…
No smoking… no drinking… no genitals
I was beginning to get a little worried!
I told Lucifer all about you!” shrieked my ex-wife, gesturing behind her where the devil stood smiling
“I said that bum Rusty Pliers cannot resist a pretty girl or a shot of booze and all he ever thinks about is his stupid penis!”
There must be some mistake, I thought as she kept shrieking and shrieking.
This wasn’t the hell I’d imagined!
I looked around for the devil, hoping for some explanation… but he was nowhere to be seen
Then I noticed the paper on the desk. 
It seemed to glow and beckon
I reached out and picked it up.
This is what it read…
Dear Rusty,
I hope a few centuries of spiritual torment at the hands of your ex-wife will help you to Unfuck Yoursela little bit.
Heaven knows, Rusty, you need it.
In the meantime, I’ll be on vacation in Hawaii, where I have a condo overlooking a volcano.
I like to throw virgins in there.
When I can find one.
Ha! Ha! That was a joke to ease your pain.
Which I hope is enormous.
Good luck in hell!
Your pal,
Thank You!
I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!
If you enjoyed my story please look for
me on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, etc.
If you didn’t enjoy my story… 
…then I don’t suppose you’ll bother.
Thank You!

I’m the Writer Rusty Pliers!

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