Tuesday, December 29, 2015

New Year's Wishes from Rusty Pliers

Hello Everybody.
It’s me, Sam Ewing.
I’m the writer Rusty Pliers.
I’m writing this poem 
(Which does’t rhyme)
To simply say,
From Rusty and myself;
Thank You!

Thank you for reading Rusty Pliers this year!
We’ve come a long way together,
Or does it just feel like that?

Looking ahead to the coming year,
A cliche I found impossible to avoid
Even after three double martinis,
You might like to know that
Rusty has some good things cooking for 2016.

For instance, Rusty’s blog 
Will continue to post once a week. 
We think that’s enough Rusty for most folks. 
If you need more, let me know,
But I freely admit that 
At my age two or three times a week 
Is getting harder and harder to do.
[Pause for snickering?]

From time to time the blog will feature 
Rusty’s return to America in the 1980s 
And his subsequent career in big league animation.
I worked for Walt Disney, have I mentioned it?
Ha! Ha! Of course I have!
About a million times.
I like to brag about it. 
And in case that bores you,
Although I cannot imagine how,
There’ll also be the usual 
Shit you’ve come to expect
From the blog of Rusty Pliers!

“Oh yeah? I’ve slept in a garage, 
But that doesn’t make me an automobile!”
As my dad used to say.
I never knew quite what dad meant 
And he never explained it. 
But I threw that bit in
About him not being an automobile
To add depth and pathos to this poem,
Which sorely needs it right about here.
And to quash any rumors that I never knew who he was.
My father I mean.
I never knew him either.
Ha! Ha!
Funny, eh?
Touching too.

I’m touching myself right now.

If we get lucky 
And find a brilliant editor 
Dumb enough to work on spec 
(Like the rest of us do),
This coming year should see the launch of a few of Rusty’s books.
Order yours today!
Including a heartwarming masterpiece about a boy transplanted from California and growing up in New Zealand, currently entitled Hold the Beetroot.
There will also be collection of short stories.
And my first volume of Zen Poems.
I repeat, order yours today!
Maybe we can finally monetize this thing!
But I personally doubt it.
At the rate we’re going
I think the best we can hope for
Is that Rusty will finally get popular
Years after I’m dead.
Until then it’ll have to remain
What it’s always been;
Art for Art’s sake.

Rusty has plans to perform 
In person more often this year, too.
He wants to make new fans 
And connect with old ones.
He loves to wear the patch!
While consuming a few libations…
Before he falls off the stage.
Rusty has vowed that his performances
Will be 20% funnier this year.
Which shouldn't be too difficult,
Judging by last year
And a few of his odder readings.
But Rusty never promised,
While performing this act of his, 
To wear trousers, or refrain 
From so-called dangerous fire effects!
That’s a matter for the courts to decide.
Until then, why don’t you come out 
And see what happens
When Rusty reads?

There will also be a lot of creative nonsense posted to the internet
For a laugh and to build Rusty’s readership.
After all, frankly speaking,
That is our aim.
To have a laugh
And build Rusty’s readership.
We want to reach out 
And touch people
In a meaningful way.

But I’ve already mentioned the touching,
Haven’t I?

You might be surprised 
To have learned 
That we work pretty hard around here,
Me and the people who bring Rusty to life.
I know I was.
Yes! We’ve got stuff of all kinds in the works!
So please stay tuned 
To Rusty Pliers the Writer.
You won’t be disappointed.
I once had that whispered to me
By a beautiful Las Vegas hooker
In the bar of Caesar’s Palace,
And guess what?
She/he was right!
But that’s another story.
Sounds like a Rusty kind of story,
It being about Las Vegas.
It has a good moral too;
“Expect the unexpected.”

Aha! That Rusty!
He was born with a gift of laughter!
And a mighty thirst for the truth!
If it’s answers you seek,
He’s got the questions!
It doesn’t hurt that he’s a good kisser, either!
So I’ve been told.
You can find Rusty 
On Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc.
Please have a look
During your coffee break.
Or while you’re on the john.
But not while you drive, okay?
Because we love you.
It’s for you that we do 
All the crap I just mentioned.
That, and because we love nonsense
Of almost any kind around here.

So let me remind you please 
To enjoy your Rusty responsibly!
In order that I might sleep soundly at night,
And not be worried by what Rusty’s fans
Get up to on the roads
Or in the john 
Or elsewhere in this wicked world.
I beg of you be careful.
Rusty would not even exist without you.
Or he’d exist in my mind only,
Which would be a sad state of affairs,
And a sorry prison for Rusty Pliers.

Anyway, to end this non-rhyming poem
Where I began it, 
At the cliche-ridden bottom of 
The heart of Rusty Pliers,
I’ll say again;
Thanks for reading Rusty Pliers!
We love you!
Have a freakin 
New Year! 
And Good Luck 
For 2016!

Well, that about does it for my poem.
Time to put my work away.
I’m buying this round bartender,
Make mine a Harvey Wallbanger.
And please ask the boys in the backroom
What they’re having.
The drinks are on me!
(If you’ll accept my credit card.)
Bottoms up!
Er, excuse me miss.
You look familiar. 
Didn’t we once meet in Las Vegas?

Thanks for reading Rusty.
I love you.

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