I say script, because I rewrote the story as a performance piece specifically for speaking aloud..
Which I did at Stardust Video & Coffee in Orlando, Florida.
Last month sometime.
I hope you enjoy it today.
[Reads from script]
Thank You.
I’m Rusty Pliers.
If you could please hold your, uh, applause,
until the end …
I’d appreciate it.
Thank you.
(Laugh gently.
Clear throat.
Big breath.
Be Rusty …)
A Star is Porn!
or
How With the Aid of
Kitchen Counter Serendipity
I Acquired the Non de Plume of …
Rusty Pliers!
[Prologue]
It all started in the 1970s when I’d been bumming around Europe for a couple of years, trying to make my living as a film animator.
I say trying to make my living as an animator because sadly, to be an animator in this world is to learn the true meaning of the term …
…Art for Art’s Sake.
[Pause]
So, when I was flat broke in Paris I answered a want ad in a Left Bank newspaper and, after a most memorable job interview (which unfortunately we haven’t got time to go into now)…
… I was hired as an actor in pornographic films.
[Matter-of-Factly]
I signed a one-picture deal with a three-month option and they told me to be in Stockholm by the end of the week.
[Reflective]
That night, sitting alone on the train to Sweden, I stared out the window and listened to the wheels rolling rat-ta-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat rat-a-tat-tat … and I thought, not for the first time since becoming an animator…
“What have I got to lose?”
[Act I]
[Eye Patch Gag Here?]
So I found myself in Stockholm with my pants down… trying to make a buck, you’ll pardon the expression, the hard way.
[Pause]
Ah, but the gods love a fool because while we were filming that week a wondrous thing occurred!
A thing called serendipity!
[Pause]
It was during the kitchen counter fellatio scene.
While my partner was down getting her close-up I happened to notice, just off-camera beside me on the counter, a pair of stainless-steel vice grips.
They gleamed beautifully in the bright studio lights.
Right then and there, serendipity struck me!
I introduced the vice grips into the scene.
My partner, whose name was Heidi, found this quite stimulating … so as the cameras rolled Heidi and I improvised with the vice grips while the crew looked on in amazement and, I like to think, in awe.
[Slight Pause]
The scene was very successful.
[Pause]
Especially the happy ending.
[Pause to let it sink in]
We got it in one take.
[Up Tempo]
“VOILA!” cried the director, who was French.
“Bueno!” added the asst director, who was Spanish.
“My close-up, it was good?” asked Heidi, who was German.
“A star… she is born!” predicted the director.
Only he didn’t mean Heidi.
He didn’t mean me.
He meant the vice grips.
[Act II]
That night I got to know the cast and crew a little better over a few drinks at Zum Franziskaner, an ancient pub just around the corner from the studio in downtown Stockholm. It was here, in the cozy beer cellar running up a ruinous tab, that I acquired the non de plume of Rusty Pliers.
Everybody in the business had a non de plume, Heidi explained. Now that I was in the business, I needed one too.
So we had a few beers and we thought about it.
“How about Lonesome Orgasms?” I suggested.
But nobody liked that one.
“Bob Drillin?”
Nobody liked that one, either.
After about the eighth beer the cameraman suggested Holden McGroin which made us laugh, but then guess what?
Serendipity struck again and without thinking I said, “How about Rusty Pliers?”
Everyone liked that, including Heidi.
“Rusty Pliers,” she purred, trying it out in her luscious porno mouth.
[Pause]
She said it suited me to a tee.
[Act III]
At the wrap party later everybody predicted the movie would be a box-office smash.
“I smell a big hit!” said the producer, who was Hungarian. He liked it so much he picked up our options and gave the crew the green light to make a dozen more films.
That pleased everybody because, as I said at the beginning of my story… it’s a wonderful thing to find steady work in show business.
[Pause]
So, over the next three months we made seven toolbox movies in Stockholm, and four in Paris.
Oh. And one on the overnight train to Paris.
That was a quickie, as we called it.
[Pause]
They even hired a scriptwriter. You should’ve seen the crazy situations he invented to have a man with a toolbox arrive and fornicate repeatedly with a beautiful actress and / or her friends and the hand tools they so desperately craved!
[Laughs]
Oh boy! It makes me laugh to this day!
[Reflective]
(Sigh)… Show Business …
… there really IS no business like it.
[Pause]
….But no animal acts!
I was very particular in that respect!
[Epilogue]
Well, that’s the story of how Rusty Pliers got his name.
If there was any kind of deep wisdom or high moral to be learned from this story… then this would be the place you’d expect to hear it, isn’t it?
[Pause]
I’d like to thank you for listening.
It felt good to tell it.
To let it out, so to speak.
You know, I’ve been calling myself Rusty Pliers for so long I can hardly remember what my real name ever was…
[Big Smile]
But that’s okay … I like being Rusty Pliers!
[Pause]
Thank You!
You made it fun!
If you enjoyed my story,
Please follow me on social media.
If you didn’t enjoy it …
… Thanks for not throwing things!
I’m Rusty Pliers!
Goodnight!
[Time; Around 5 Min?]
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